Medical Malady Melodrama

Heavy Sigh.

4 weeks ago tomorrow I had my scooter v car accident. The car won. I wasn't broken, but I was pretty damn banged up.  Well, in hindsight, the state of my shoulder is as yet, undetermined.

I'm a Veteran with disability, enough disability that I get 100% medical coverage with the VA medical system.  And I'm finally relenting, you get what you pay for.  Up to this event, I hadn't had any issues with the VA. They filled my prescriptions, I saw a doc in reasonable time and the staff were adequate. But I hadn't had any acute or seriously chronic conditions - up to now.

I also pay for medical insurance for the kids, and because it's a family plan, I'm on it: Tricare. Super cheap, super good insurance. And then there's the liable insurance, State Farm. I have options.

Here's the down and dirty:

• Accident
• Ambulance (and cute firemen who don't know how to put in an IV, irrelevant)
• ER. Sad and lonely. Big girl panties employed.
• X-rays, exam and $90 tetanus shot - WTF??
• Next day, follow up with VA. I was worried and scared and crying about what to do with work. 
• Called in sick, without any sick time; convinced I was gonna get fired. Crappy corporate conundrum.
• Submitted FMLA, advised I wasn't eligible. As I can't fix what's broke; gave it over to the Universe, Que Sera Sera. I need to heal, there's no getting around it, I cannot work as is.
• Visited Chiropractor following Monday, first available business day; have been seeing him 3x/week since.
• He wanted me to get an MRI; fortunately my 10-week wait to see my PCM was 2 weeks after my accident. Oh, serendipity. /end sarcastic irony
• MRI request DEEnied! Resubmit in 6-8 weeks. And then only after starting PT. Conflicted. I trust my Chiro, and want to know what's ripped up inside me. #disgustedexhale
• Continued passive therapy with Chiro, bruises and abrasions fading, shoulder not really improving.
• Got the emotional news, while FMLA was denied I was approved leave per ADA. I cried over the phone with the young fella who delivered the news. Thank. You. GOD!! I'm absolutely sure I freaked him out.
• Just shy of 4 weeks, hit up Luke AFB and my ::other:: PCM. Yeah, I have 2. Ain't I lucky. MRI request again DEEnied. "Lady, you're missing a critical link. Anti inflammatories (Celebrex) and PT"
• Inject thought: I don't get the ignorance about Chiros and why western medicine is pushing me to Physical Therapy. /end rant
• Sigh again. Share this all with Dr Wong, my chiropractor. Who is, by the way, out of pocket, but he's holding off the bill for the offender's insurance. At over $100 a pop, I hope so-
• I'm super conflicted. And loyalty be damned. Neither the VA nor Tricare will have any record of my injury/treatment if I stay with chiropractor, and if I don't have an MRI, I'm not sure if that will hurt my liability case. Chiro says, OK. We give this 5 weeks from today. We start a more aggressive treatment (based on what the PA from Luke found out by manipulating my arm) and if there's no improvement, get that MRI. I suspect neither conventional avenues will approve it, because I won't have participated in PT.  Screw it; I'll pay cash and get reimbursed by Her insurance.
• More aggressive session was, indeed, employed today. Owie. But I want to get better; I don't want a frozen shoulder, I don't want chronic issues the rest of my life. I have too much to do.
• Thus, I carry on, somewhat blindly, somewhat Pollyanna, always hopeful. I need to look at the ergonomics of my desk at work, as the current situation leaves me with mucho achiness at the end of my shift, and makes the nights' sleeping difficult.

And So....Que Sera Sera.

PS.  It seems to me, chiropractic medicine is VooDoo. LOL!!!  I don't get it; I feel the pain moving around my joint as he manipulates it and adds/removes pressures, but it works. I'll take it. Craziness.

So I Think I Wanna Be A Nomad....

5 years. I gave myself 5 years. By then, baby girl will be nearly graduated high school (although sometimes I wonder what the fuss is about; her dad fights against me every step of the way and she stays primarily with him; I wonder if she'll miss me - he's a Class-A jerk. But this is another story for another day). High School. She'll be nearly done, the boys will be well on their way to independence, employment, finished with school. And the cat. The cat will be (holding up fingers...) 8ish?? years.  Mellower. Maybe road-worthy.

I need to find more resources for traveling with a cat.

5 years. This gives me ample time to significantly downsize my stuff. Clothes. Furniture. Sewing Machine that I never use. Canning equipment that I'll never use. Soap-making stuff I'll never use. Extra linens I won't need. Paintings, art supplies, my copious knitting needle collection. Books that need to be purchased electronically, if at all... Baskets, bags, brick-a-brack. Everything is replaceable.  Not much of it is really really necessary. Heh, I could probably downsize my 2-bedroom, 1000 sf apartment to an efficiency!!  I seriously doubt I'd save money tho; I got a fantastic deal when I moved in. Maybe I'll simply enjoy the feng shui lifestyle.

Shaking my head over the lunacy of holding onto stuff.  Seriously tho. Even things like 2 sets of mixing bowls, a big food processor, extra nail polish, 4 kinds of shower soap, 14 pairs of shoes and twice as many socks...it's excess. We are a culture of excess.

....maybe I should start by NOT going to Goodwill.  Oh, hold on... I suddenly feel faint- Better employ baby steps.

A big part of this blog is to colocate a collection of resources to peruse as I have time. Because let's face it, internet bookmarks are akin to putting post-its on a desk full of post-its. Even the different colored ones get lost after awhile. Sigh.

A fella (not a survivalist, not a married guy, not a prepper, he could spell and use punctuation, so I paid attention to him somewhat, but he's older - insert lament) from one of my manymanymanyMANY Craigslist responses mentioned this site, Expedition Portal.  Looks cool, except these people are hard core and must have money to afford these rigs.

Another blog about LiveAboard (living on a boat - the concept introduced to me by Mr. Breakfast the other day).  This seems like another good resource.

And the above happily led to This Forum.  I think I'll quit for now.

Video Intermission

Carrying on the thought of traveling one day soon, and the prospect of sailing, I sought out some videos on TheYouTube.  This couple is cute, and I love looking around their scenery on the boat to see how it's laid out. It's surprisingly roomy for a 43' sailboat. 

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And this is another perspective of what a boat looks like inside. Wish I knew more specs - year, dimensions, etc.  The terminology is amusing. This guy really looks like a bachelor - so cluttered LOL!

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This fella. When I first saw him I thought "geriatrics". Shame on me. Wholly capable. Wholly inspirational!  Earlier this morning, I was driving home from getting bloodwork done at the VA, and I wondered to myself, "What am I gonna do when I'm 70? 80? Where am I gonna land if I'm still alone?"  This man and his fortitude and ability was a good shot in the mental arm today.

And it also sobered me to the reality of traveling solo. You better know your stuff.

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Of course, there are dozens, if not hundreds of good videos about sailing.  Some better than others.  And every aspect is represented; from trans-solo to coastal cruising to party barging. From small, inexpensive boats to very large, equivalent of a Class-A motorhome yacht.  

I hope you enjoy the brain fodder like I did!

The Hummingbird

Not that I take it very seriously, but I sort of do.  My spirit animal, the hummingbird.  The birth of Flit.

It came to me in a dream. It was at the climax of the worst, darkest, most horrifying time of my life. He was a sociopath. He was narcissistic. He was emotionally, verbally and, most detrimentally, physically abusive.

I was in the most surreal moments some of those days; I'd look at myself from outside and say, "How the hell did you, Ann, get stuck in this situation?  You are smart. You are strong. You are resourceful. Why! Why-oh-why do you let yourself remain entangled in this most awful of situations??!"

Here's why. He was enigmatic. He was charismatic. He was magnetic. He was a demon. He would expire one full breath berating me, telling me I was a most awful performer at work, embarrass me in front of dozens of people, exhaust so much energy pointing out what a messed up failure I was.

And in the next inspiration and refreshing of his lungs, tell me how talented I was and what an amazing vision he had for both of us, and that -just maybe, if I really tried harder- I could do better and help him succeed and not be the liability I had been in the past.

It was absolutely the most perverse, sick, disgusting merry-go-round a person could ever imagine existing.  And it wasn't the movies. It was my reality.

It was textbook domestic violence. And he was my employer. My seducer. My abuser. The shame and scourge of my life.

I had angels tho. 2 women had survived him before me. They began intervention. I wanted to escape; I felt like I was tethered to him like the strongest of bungee cords. I'd try to run away only to be woo'd and lured back. It was a sick, sick cycle.

They were my lifeline. They were the thinnest of threads holding me to hope of escape. I got an Order of Protection, not from him, but for me...to keep the door to him sealed strongly shut. It worked, but barely.  They worked with me, talked to me, supported me. They checked in constantly while I went through the withdrawals of his influence on my life. The lunacy of it still baffles me today.  Unless you walk in the shoes of a victim, you cannot understand.

Then, the dream.

This was my true gift from God to help me begin to heal.

She was a tiny, young, innocent hummingbird. The most brilliant of emerald green shone off her feathers as she hovered, darted, flitted about. I observed her in her obliviousness and looked around and beyond her. The room was a greenhouse - perfectly square and bright with pure light coming in from the opaque glass. The ceiling rose to a symmetrical peak, the lower windows covered by lace curtains. They moved slightly from an unseen breeze, telling me the windows beyond were open, open to the outside.  Open to the beyond...

She hovered here and there, shining as she moved, the tiniest, most fragile of creatures. She didn't know she was little; her heart was huge, and strong. Beneath her, covering the entire floor of the room was the thickest carpet of red red flowers. Begonias maybe? Martha Washington comes to my mind; but I cannot see any green for the intensity of the blooms. They were so thick and dense, nothing could be seen beneath them, perfectly grown in depth and breadth, their tops looked manicured, they were so perfectly even. And thick. Impenetrable to the earth below.

But I knew. I knew at the base of these blossoms was death. Thorns and slugs and putridity were the reality beneath the beauty above.  Darkness and stench so thick, nothing could survive down there. Nothing but death existed.

And I worried fiercely for the hummingbird. She was oblivious. She was curious about the blooms, drawn to their intensity because she didn't have the gift of age or experience to warn her otherwise. I watched her contemplate the blooms, she hovered quietly, moving over the blossoms in her consideration.  I sent her mental pictures of the death beneath, of the stench and life-sucking horror that lurked under the blossoms. She was oblivious, only caught up in her own focus on the beauty.

Then I noticed again, the movement of the curtains at the windows caught my eye. On the left and right sides of the rooms, the curtains swayed gently. I knew there was an escape for this wee bird, that her innocence can remain intact, that she could find true beauty outside this room of illusion, this room of death.  I knew there were open windows just on the other side of the curtains; but they couldn't be seen, for the brightness of the room added to the blinding of the white white lace curtains. Only their movement indicated the world beyond as the breeze touched them.

I knew she knew tho. I could feel her as she moved from the blossoms to the fresh, sweet air from beyond the windows. The soft breeze touched her wings and ever so softly, brushed the smallest of her feathers into glistening ruffles.

Those 2 open windows, they were my 2 friends. I realized this almost immediately upon waking up from that dream. I knew they were my escape avenue away from the blackness that was sucking my life away. And I was that hummingbird. Young and naive from the release of an intense career, the release of a long, lifeless marriage, the release from an oppressive church.

I was that baby hummingbird, destined to live a life of joy, wonder, curiosity, exploration and fierce passion as I took on the headwinds and fought my way through the trials of branches and thickets that  lay ahead of me.  I became Flit. And I've remained, manifesting more of her every day of my life.

It's been a bit of a joke, and I love making word pictures of her and those she interacts with. But Flit is a survivor. She's tenacious and wonderful. She delights in the happiness of others. She can also poke fun with her pointy little beak with a mischievous glint in her eye. She's amused by the smallest of bits and bobbles, and she isn't ashamed of her innocence with life. She's true, and loyal to those around her. She has much love in her, and has much love to give. Take care of Flit, and she will always take care of you.

The picture behind this blog is a rendition of Flit, one I painted, inspired by a photo I saw somewhere in this vast internet space. She has been in dark times; and more dark times may come to her, but the sun remains, and she knows this. The darkness always passes. The sun always shines.

If Not Wheels, a Rudder??

A lovely gentleman answered my Craigslist Ad, "Maybe I'm a Nomad" and proposed sailing as a way to see the sights.

I'd never, ever considered sailing. Beyond building a Tom Sawyer raft to bob along the river when I was a kid!

We had a breakfast "meet and greet" (it feels weird calling it a date). It went splendidly. I hope he feels the same HA!  He shared his experiences and plan and goal.

And I started searching TheGoogle for sites about sailing.

Here's what I found:

We Live On A Boat.  The last post was from 2012, but I'm still going to dig through and see what I find.

Sailing Simplicity.  A solo woman sailing.  AND, her blog is blessedly current.  (but the GoDaddy in me notes the site is not secure. Hiss)

A Life Aboard. Year-round living on a sailboat in Maine.  And they have a CAT entry!  Up to date, witty, full of resources. Jeepers, I love blogging.

A Facebook Group Dedicated to Sailing Cats! (whodathunk??!)

Road Less Traveled. Another not-so-current site (guess I'm not the only one with committment issues) with great photos and the blunt reality of life on a boat.

Other general questions:
-does the bathroom flush directly into the ocean?
-would a bidet be more friendly for boat septic systems?
-are hammocks a popular item for sailboating?
-how do you prevent sunburn if you're always topside?
-where can I buy a white hijab?
-can a person live Paleo on a sailboat?
-I bet fires are highly discouraged (candles/incense/etc)
-would the cat develop sea legs?

Mr. Breakfast assured me pets are welcome on boats. I wonder if my Romeo would agree. He'd certainly enjoy chasing the "ship rats" away! And maybe any other booglie-bugs that want to appear.

Oot and Aboot...

Goodwill. One of my passions. OfferUp. Another one of my passions. Put them together?

I have a profitable hobby.  AND an avenue to find treasures, both material and artistic.

Today, I visited 3 Goodwills.  I had something in mind, plastic storage bins, as I'm working on an epic Lego project which I will most likely blog about at a different time.

But today. I found bins.  And so much more.

• A gorgeous, large turquoise ring for 75% less than I would buy it at pawn.
• A dainty, silver toe ring with crystals. Again, easily 75% off retail had I got it new. 
• Some funky VHS tapes for a friend who collects.
• 4 of the series of Castle, which had great reviews on Amazon, and was reselling for EASILY 150% more than I bought them for on OfferUp.
• Music. Oh, my, how I love finding music at Goodwill.  
• Ravensburger puzzles, always good for at LEAST 100% markup for resale, sometimes more, depending on the puzzle.
• a 1972 Great Britain Monopoly, incomplete, but with pewter? pieces. I think I'll upcycle the game pieces into steampunk earrings or something. I paid $5.60 for the game. I can easily get $30 for the pieces by themselves. Not to mention the funky British Pound monopoly money!
• And a couple other Monopoly sets with the metal pieces (and retired thimble). Not sure what I'm going to do with these, except move them out again fairly quickly.
• A couple other obscure-ish, cool board games.

Here's my strategy.  I hit the game/puzzle shelf. I browse and have Amazon open on the phone for resell value.  Especially for games I haven't heard of or are old.  If I need to, I'll check eBay... I grab Ravensburger puzzles, cuz they're some of the best quality and are excellent trade in fodder for Bookmans.

From here, I go to the craft wall. I look for quality yarns. I kick myself still; a few months ago, there was a bag full of strips of inkle-woven straps.  Amazing colors, cotton, and would have been great for accessorizing bags or tying up camp gear.  Oh well. Don't ever second guess yourself at GW; it'll be gone if you try to go back.

After the crafts, I check the household area. Today, I also got some Party Light candles for a couple bucks. 4 tea lights are currently freshening up my bathroom (thanks, cat).  I also look for quality household items. I almost picked up a new Pampered Chef 9" round stoneware baking pan...thinking I could probably resell it for $10. But nah. Let it go. I look for unique items, like handblown glasses/stemware, great quality pots and pans, Chicago Cutlery or Henkels knives...upper end stuff. Sometimes I get really lucky and just upgrade my own kitchen. Sometimes I resell... Yesterday I got a  Pampered Chef chopper thingie (for nuts and onions and stuff, you Pampered Chef people know what I'm talking about, retails new for around $30-40) for $2.  I'm keeping that until I transition to my RV life. Then I'll yard sale it. Or donate it back.

After crafts, I check clothes for high end clothes for moi.  Eileen Fisher, Flax, Talbots, JJill, Free People are some of my favorites. And yea, I find them periodically.  See, I can justify buying clothes seasonally at GW when a couple outfits cost me $20-30 and 1 single new item from the above is between $80-200.  I have zero qualms.  And I can be picky, because I've found, what I want always presents itself; I just have to be patient.

I wander by the scarves and shawls next, looking for silk/cashmere.  Today I got a hand knit cotton thingie, like new. The yarn was in fantastic shape. So I got it for $3 and ripped it out when I got home. I'm weaving dishcloths out of it. I can sell each cloth for a MINIMUM of $5. That's probably a 5000% profit, at least.  If I get 10 clothes, for $50-80...I dunno, math is hard. I make a lot back. And I like keeping busy. I'm fiddly that way...so weaving cloths is no big deal.

Then, the DVDs/CDs.  I also got Weekend at Bernie's today, in addition to the list above.  Eventually, I might transition to an electronic library. I certainly cannot take all my physical library with me when I go nomad.  But for now? I pick out cult movies that have some resale value.

Same with music.  

Today I picked up a couple artists I hadn't heard of before; Kishi Bashi (Lighght), Chasen (Shine Through the Stars) and an addition to my Putumayo World Music collection; A Native America Odyssey.  I also got a Gavin Degraw album I don't already have (Chariot) as well as a King of Leon (Aha Shake Heartbreak)

Today's happy takeaway for music:  Chasen turns out to be a contemporary Christian band. Which is irrelevant to me, because unless I heard a couple songs specifically addressing Jesus and God, it sounded like just a great mix from a band I'd never heard before. The songs earlier on in the album are sweet, love-inspired promissory songs.  And as I'm still working through my breakup from a 3-year relationship, these songs were poignant to me. Drown is especially good. ----- Getting over love is just sucky. The wave of emotions that continue after the initial hurt...the confusion and conflict abate, but it's a painfully slow process. The draw is like the moon and the tides. Let him go or go after him.  I'm sure there will be lots of writing about this particular topic, as it is still roiling around in my heart, tumultuous and emotional. But for now, I'm still. He needs to heal. He needs to find himself. So I let him be...and I continue my own path.  Alcoholism is a fucking sonofabitch. That's all I have to say for now about that. 

Tomorrow I'm partaking in a medical study at oh-dark-hundred (7:30am, I'm not a morning person anymore), and need to fast tonight. I think I'm eating a muffin tomorrow and need to go back in a couple weeks for follow-up bloodwork.  I'll get a $40 Target card for my time. Whoopie.  More Goodwill cash ;)

Some Favorite Things...1

One of my character flaws is I start things out with a bang. I have fantastic starting ability.  It's the follow through that kicks my butt. Let's not even discuss finishing.. I fear that will happen with this blog endeavor.  I'll post randomly, as thoughts fill me, or I have an impulse to purge. Maybe daily? Maybe not..

Right now, some of my favorite things, pressing thoughts, current passions.

I love the outdoors. And a big part of my life in a few years, is to pull up my roots and exchange them for wheels and travel.  Boy, my heart swells at the thought of traveling America as a nomad, of sorts.

Having said that, I've been spending more time around the internet, researching, looking, questioning how others do this, and the tricks and tools of the trade. One of the segues of my searching is a new podcast I discovered, Hang Your Own Hang, a podcast for hammock camping people. Here, in episode 2, I learned about Hennessey Hammocks, and man, I'm lusting badly.. I'm even wondering if, when I trade in my getting-tired-queen-size-mattress, I wouldn't go with a hammock. Heh. I'm sleeping alone, so it's not like I have to worry about robust activities there.

If you don't know me, you'll learn that many many thoughts like that float through my brain; and it's highly doubtful I'd actually follow through. I just enjoy musing about things.

Speaking about camping and saving space and backpacking and being generally earth friendly in nature. I think I'm going to migrate to this in my home :) Because cardboard tubes? Stupidity.

Me, Rebranded.

Obviously, my well intentioned blog fell by the wayside.  6.5 years has gone by.  I used to be Stashymama.  Now, I'm Flit. And I love life's bits.  I collect them, watch them, ingest them, share them.

Now, I'm Flitsbits...

...much has changed.

And I want to talk about it.

Here's a synopsis:

1-retired from the Air Force
2-moved to Phoenix with the family
3-went to school cuz we were broke on just my retirement
4-after interning, got a job with a sociopath/narcissistic/seducer/abuser
5-got a divorce :(
6-lost in a very dark place for over a year. Anti depressants, counseling, rebirth
7-introduced to my next love, I had no idea
8-fell hard in love, 2 years long distance romance
9-he retired, moved here, brought alcoholism with him
10-abandoned.
11-starting over. Trying to fall out of love again. It ain't easy. Maybe I'm not supposed to.
12-learning to be alone
13-disciplined with new job. 5 year plan embarked upon
14-election. life turned upside down.
15-resurrected blog. I want to tell my story and learn from you.
16-all throughout, continued to be optimistic, realizing this path is sort of beyond my control
....and that's okay